The Reason

Saturday, October 22, 2011 0 comments

An Elf among Goliaths. A bee among dancers. No matter what you are, where you are from or who you are, there is going to be those little small reasons why you weren’t acceptable in certain cliques. You just had to fit in the quo. To be on top, to be known and adored was the main point. Achieving such would mean you have conquered your life thoroughly and brought it to another level. That feel of light somewhere inside you, that you feel after being accepted by others, that feeling makes you want more and more of others approval. You change your belief, you change the way dress, the way you talk. Everything about you is new, more or less improved- depending on the eye of the beholder. Some might say you improved, some might say otherwise. But when you’ve reached the level you wanted, at that moment you wouldn’t care what others might’ve said. But why you didn’t think of that from the start, is unknown.

Self-centred, obnoxious, oblivious, and a disaster. That was what I was. What I used to be like. I realized now, how much of a pain in the ass I was. How much people didn’t like me. How much I could’ve changed to alter their point of view. On me. But dear old me, I didn’t bother to shift a bit of my bitchiness into something better, because to me, I already owned the world. I was already on top. I made a lot of enemies on the way, but I didn’t care. As long as I got what I want. To be renown, to be amazing.

Kain banjir they call it. Tak pernah pakai nametag/lencana. Konon kononnya taiko, tak kisah apa HEP kata, biar kena denda. Kononnya jatuh maruah kalau pakai lencana, sebab tak otai. Bawak phone pergi asrama. Buli junior. Fly. Those are just too common of stuffs, most people would’ve done it to prove their existence. Bergaduh dengan cikgu. Come on, everyone has made a dent on some walls to show they are stronger better faster greater than others. But nobody dared to give a shit about how much pain they’ve let others endure. How much sin they have collected. Taubat never crossed my mind those times.

Have I not known of all those little signs of Armageddon. One by one passing, occurring. Developing with the expansion of the world. Most humans are too caught up with duniawi that they don’t realise the end is so close. I was one of those people. To not care. There was this once when I thought, so whatever, I made a lot of sins, I am going to have to go through hell anyways, why bother change now. Na’uzubillah.

There is a long way to go. Life has to be fun and enlightened by watching little spirits of others being crushed day by day. Those were the days.

Ah, eighteen years, have I not thought of being bored of all those enemies I was making. Of all those people that were hating. Of all those kids I was shitting. But, one incident caused me to think back everything that had happened and made me whom I am now.

Enough with telling what has been done, those were past tense. Those were before the transformation.
On the midst of 2010, an offer has been released. To study abroad. Abroad! I was more of an, “I don’t care, campak aje lah mana mana, I can make my way to survive” type of person.  And so, it began. I was thrown to a place known as Ez-Zagazig. Not known by most, but is in the land of Egypt. I brought my old self/attitude along, just in case a catastrophe comes requiring my power to make people hurt- mentally.

I learned a lot from being here. Not only medical-wise, but Islamic-wise. I now know most of the stuffs I never knew my whole life. Formerly, I tend to navigate myself away from knowing things of Islam. Thinking that not knowing, is a better step than to know and feel guilty of moi self.

A few months passed by. Though I now learned lots and lots, I never changed my mentality. I dressed the same, uttered the same language, contemplated the same temperament. And, it happened.

I was browsing the web, Wikipedia-ing around. Yes, I loved Wikipedia, learned a lot from it. Just read a lot of stuffs from it, when I came around  to reading about the apocalypse. Reminiscing, I figured to browse about The Day. Opening certain websites, blogs, and photos. I read of all the things, the signs that have already occurred. Signs, small signs of the Judgement Day. Asked around a few friends, especially the current husband and the housemates about this Day. As I was reading, there was a verse from the Quran saying,

“ Dan barangsiapa berpaling dari peringatan-Ku, maka sungguh, dia akan menjalani kehidupan yang sempit, dan Kami akan mengumpulkannya pada hari Kiamat dalam keadaan buta”

“Dia berkata, “Ya Tuhanku, mengapa Engkau kumpulkan aku dalam keadaan buta, padahal dahulu aku dapat melihat?”

‘Dia (Allah) Berfirman, “Demikianlah, dahulu telah datang kepadamu ayat ayat Kami, dan kamu mengabaikannya, jadi begitu (pula) pada hari ini kamu diabaikan”
(Surah Tha-Ha, ayat 124-126)

I cried. I was scared. Frightened. Afraid. Terrified. Petrified. Startled. Worried.  That was the point I realised, I am going to die, and if I don’t change, I am heading further away from Allah. The first time, I was actually scared, and cried in hope of a little light inside me to shine, and show me the way to righteousness.

That, was the main reason I changed. Aside from having The Soulmate help me along the way.

Here I am, telling this story, in hope that it will not only change me, but might cause the shine from the little light in your hearts as well.


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